The new web log for frustration relief. The colors were getting on my nerves on the old one. Too much of everything. I wanted to break away. So, here's a new one. Better.
Lots of Links
-- Ryan
-- Kate
-- Melissa
-- Hannah
-- Marisa
-- Aaron Todd
-- Gabriel
-- Everybody!
Archives
06/08/2003 - 06/15/2003
06/15/2003 - 06/22/2003
08/24/2003 - 08/31/2003
08/31/2003 - 09/07/2003
09/14/2003 - 09/21/2003
06/08/2003 - 06/15/2003
06/15/2003 - 06/22/2003
08/24/2003 - 08/31/2003
08/31/2003 - 09/07/2003
09/14/2003 - 09/21/2003
Alison...
Saturday, September 20, 2003
guys, i think we need a party. maybe we should have one soon. Small but big. I dunno, maybe 7-10 people. whatevs
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Monday, September 01, 2003
Scott arrives today, he's from Australia and is traveling around the country. That stressed my mom because she wanted the place to look good for him. It looks okay... I don't think he'll care too much, I love Scott. Oh, btw. Scott works at my camp, I've been his favorite camper since his first year (I came before he did, that was 4 years ago). He works in circus. He's crazy acrobatic, real strong too, and flexible. That's what being a gymnast brings.
And in October, my brother is coming with his girlfriend and some other chick. That's three dirty hippies in one house, that'll be some good fun. My brother's going to be trying to impress his girlfriend the whole time though, oh well. not so bad.
So many visitors... it makes things interesting.
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
I'm happy to say that I am moving back to my old blog, it feels very much like the right thing to do.
http://alisongail.blogspot.com
Saturday, June 21, 2003
My contact information is a couple posts below. Aaron, i got your package, IT WAS AMAZING!!! I already taped the pictures into my special scrapbook.
I love how nobody ever comments on my site. I wonder if they've just stopped reading. I wouldn't mind too much. Kind of a relieving thought. To be left alone, not within myself but in a public place where I can be acitively myself, yell, dance, shout with nobody to see, but I don't want it to just be in my head.
The last two days have been better. I have to choreograph this song for the little kids. I really don't feel like it, oh well. I have been both myself an unmyself, i am confused. It is of no matter. I have been obsessing over that damn show, i haven't been able to get that amazing song out of my head for two days. i can feel it in me. The anticipation sucks. Auditions are tomorrow.
Somebody here got a copy of Order of the Phoenix, I read the first 45 pages today. Won't be able to get any more of it until my sister gets it in the mail. Talk about your cliffhangers...
Friday, June 20, 2003
All right, I realize kind of why I miss you all so much, and it's kind of selfish, but it's true all the same, selfish or not. I finally got myself all opened up this year, I told you how I felt and why and now suddenly that is all gone. I can't even sing nearly as often as I'd like and it's like I have all of these feelings trapped inside of me with no outlet or comfort or anything. I miss hearing your voices and knowing you want to hear what I have to say, Anyway, I'll try to get some of it out but it is so much easier in talking or in person. Please take everything I am saying seriously, even if it sounds silly to you because it is important to me.
So when I come to camp one of the biggest reasons is for the shows, they are of amazing quality and it's true competition. Usually I come knowing what I want to be in (they do tons of shows, you can't possibly be in every one), this year I didn't. This one girl Jodi was talking about how she wanted the part of Shelley in this show, Batboy. I didn't know the show but i'd heard a lot of good things. i was talking to the guy who was going to musically direct it and he lent me the CD, I listened to it and it completely moved me, it is the most amazing story with amazing music and I fell in love with this character of Shelley. And I know I could perform the crap out of it. And at least talking about how I want it out loud would be something but since this girl has been obsessing over it forever, I could hardly say anything. I can only briefly talk about it to Charly in private (which is much better than nothing) but Charly isn't great to talk to.
Well, that is just one of the things. I have all of these emotions bottled up inside me and no one to let them out to. Some things I can't even say out loud here, embarassing. I can never say them out loud. Well, that doesn't matter. Geez, I was crying earlier today because of all the crap I have sitting inside my chest all trying to get out. Now I know why Valerie was so worried about me having someone to talk to while i was up here. It's never been a problem before. And this isn't even really helping.
My performing is such a huge expression tool for me, maybe that's why I'm feeling so incredibly strongly about this part because i can feel things better now. Maybe. But it hurts to have it all just sitting in the future, I want it so bad, and I want it now. I feel so alone and cut off, I hate it. And the thought of not being home for nine and a half more weeks is absolutely unbearable. I wish I hadn't even come for first session, that way i wouldn't be here now and I wouldn't have known what i was missing.
It's like no matter what I'm saying, even though I am rambling whatever comes to mind, it's bringing no relief. I need to show them what I can do, I need to. I want to just scream at the top of my lungs as loud as I possibly can.
Look below for contact info.
Address-->
Alison Klinman
French Woods Festival
P.O. Box 609
Hancock, NY 13783
GSL4
(send me lots of stuff soon so that I can write back--I don't have your addresses)
Cell -->
215-880-7874
(I GET SERVICE! But it's a lot of money so I will be chceking messages very rarely (once every few weeks) But I would love to hear messages from you, the onse left so far were greatly appreciated : ) )
E-mail -->
alison.klinman@mail.frenchwoodscamp.com or
alison.klinman@frenchwoodscamp.com (not sure which one, try both)
I'll be checking this about once a week at the most, but all messages, however short are appreciated)
I will have real internet access for the next four days at the most. I will be able to check my e-mail every once in a while but the best way to contact me is through regular mail. PLEAAAAASE send me stuff. I really really miss you guys, I have never missed anyone like this before, I'll talk to some of you about it sometime, it's actually a quite interesting experience, well, it is for me. Have a great summer!
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Okay, last post before the summer. I would like to tell you what you have all meant to me this year. You guys are amazing. I started this year in a completely different place than I am now. I've had my thick and thins but you all have always stuck by me and you all had your own personal contribution to our circle of friends. Everyone is so different and that's what makes us so much alike. (If you don't get that, reread it a few times.) I love you all and I'll miss you this summer. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with you. So you'd better fill me in on everything that happens. I want to know everything. Send me pictures, CD's (talk to Aaron Todd about this), letters, everything. I found my address book but none of you are in it yet so you have to write me first. I promise I'll write back quickly. Letters take about 4 days to travel so expect one back within a week. I shall return the day that I reach 17 years of age, August 24. I'll be getting back around 3 or 4 so I better get some phone calls that night. I'll miss you.
Address-->
Alison Klinman
French Woods Festival
P.O. Box 609
Hancock, NY 13783
Cell (though I doubt you'll be able to reach me): (215)880-7874
I am utterly exhausted. I will put up my last post before the summer tomorrow and it will have my adddress and stuff on it. Geez, this is getting a little out of hand I think. I'm just going for the summer. I'm beginning to feel as if I'm moving to some third world country the way I'm saying goodbye to everyone. Am I being silly, perhaps? But the unsilly never prosper.
Monday, June 16, 2003
My last full day at home. I believe I should be packing right now, but oh well. I am organized and ready to go. Just gotta do it.
Yesterday my brother called (his name is John) from some car in Tahoe (Lake Tahoe, Nevada). My crazy veegan brother, I love him. His girlfriend was in the car, her name was either Becky or Betsy, I'm thinkin Becky. Silly girl, bet she's tough. He was all trying to show off for her. It was okay, I didn't mind. We talked about some silly things, show-offy brothers find it hard to talk about anything serious. He's moving to Costa Rica for at least 6 months though. I told him that they have no standing army but he could sick his monkeys on anyone that tried to take his land. My brother should be living out in the Amazon rainforest. My brothers are sooooooooooooooooo different from each other, it's craziness. Then I went with my sister and my mom to King of Prussia. That mall is crazy big and I was so surprised I could keep myself together in there. I usually collapse in places where I can't organize it in my head. But I think my sense of direction and my adaptive skills to confusion are very much better. I got pants that fit, and pretty dresses that were on super-sale. I believe I am the anti-girl because I do not like to go shopping with people, I feel dragged down or something. I like to be by myself and take my time, get what I need to and go. Charly kept yelling at me and my mother, eventually my mother starts freaking out if Charly yells enough, especially when on time constraints. I kept my cool the whole time. Tried to calm mom down too, she freaks out and I feel bad because it's really the fault of my bratty sisters, she hardly even blamed me yesterday. They are getting to be such jerks. I am totally overusing that word and it is such silliness. I am glad I will not be living with them for the summer. Seeing them when i am not living with them isn't too bad. After KOP we went to Ruby Tuesday's to have Father's Day dinner with my grandparents and the rest of my family. But Charly haaaaaaaaaaaaaad to get a bathing suit, so I had to go with her and we had to leave the rest of my family for a whole 45 minutes. I really didn't want to do that. I was tired and it wasn't fair to my grandparents at all. I could tell my grandmother was upset. Not angry, but upset. My mom told me that a couple of moths she was crying to her because she thought that I didn't want to spend time with her. I've been trying to, and Charly didn't help. I felt so guilty and I do want to spend time with my grandparents! Charly and Juliet make themselves look horrible in front of them, I don't do the best job because I get mad at them for being so rude to my mom. They just order her around and she takes it. How come I can't do that? I probably could if I wanted to but it is so immature. It wouldn't be my way of doing things anyway, if I were to try to get my mom to do what I wanted, I think I would manipulate. That's just more my style, but I don't want to manipulate my mother, it isn't right to manipulate people. My father told me I did something wrong yesterday, I was very impressed with the way he handled it, when he thinks, he does well. He just has to control himself. See, when people tell me I do something wrong (I believe this works for all people) the less threatening they are, and the less accusing, the more willing I am to accept that I did something wrong. Nobody wants to be attacked, but if you handle it in a nice , I don't know, people have their wits about them more. It works better for everyone. Mom and dad were good yesterday, except when mom was freaking out, and then at least she her freak out was directed at the person who sparked it (even though it's really her own problem).
Holy shit! I got a 73 on the chem final. Dear god, that is so much better than I thought I did. I was just praying for my 27, that thing was so hard. Maybe I am getting better at multiple choice. But now I am at ease. One B for the year, I can live with that. I'll work harder next year. I really did slack off this year, my mom is right. But it didn't have to do with social as much as she thinks. It has to do with my study habits, environment, and frame of mind. I am currently in the process of thinking of many ways to fix all three of those things so that I will do schoolwork more quickly and efficiently next year. Organization is key for me, i think. I need to not feel overwhelmed by my work. There are things I can do to help myself, which I will. I'mlucky I'm smart or I would not even have done nearly as well I did.
When I got home, I meant to do all of this work but I was soooooooooooooo tired. That leaves me with all for today. I'll get it done. I have to pick out my audition music and and burn the Jewel CD for Melissa (you didn't ask for it, but I really think that you would appreciate it, and if not, at least you have something from me). Would you mind bringing Jagged Little Pill tonight, Meliss? You must have told me to remind you on Friday 50 times and I still didn't remember, Alison is so silly. I'll also bring you a new case for Fiona Apple, I feel awful about that. I also need to remember to bring my camera so I have pictures of you all while I'm away.
The goodbye blog and address of camp will be up tonight. Stay tuned.
Back to work.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
1. check
2. to be done
3. to be done
4. to be done
5. check
6. to be done
7. check
8. check
9. check (need a ride and a melissa to call and tell me what time, I'll be here all night all call are acceptable until 11)
10. 1/2 done
Things I MUST DO TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!:
1. Laundry
2. Lay out things for camp
3. Label camp clothes
4. Pick out audition music
5. Buy clothes
6. Finish songbook
7. Make father's day card
8. Go out to dinner with my father and grandfather
9. Ask my parents to see Noel tomorrow
10. Call Laura and Sage to say goodbye
Today I got hardly anything done, but that's all right. I got some stuff done. I cleaned my room. I couldn't do the laundry because my mom took up the washing machine all day. I got together my camp list but i couldn't lay out the things because many weren't clean. I couldn't label if I couldn't lay out. I was not in the right mood for picking out audition music. I started to get together my songbook (the songs I've written are all on random scraps of paper and hard to read so I decided to put them all together in one notebook but I really don't want to type it because that would be wrong), and I realized that I have about a billion songs. It's gonna take forever. My other book can wait for a little while.
I went to Old Navy today. I saw Laura. It was really nice to see her before I left. But I'll have to call her tomorrow to say goodbye. I have to call Sage too.
Ryan came over and we watched Sprited Away. The artwork in that movie is absolutely beautiful. And the music and the... everything. It was really good. Oh, and yes, you heard right, I had someone over MY HOUSE. Juliet went up about 15 points on the annoying scale but it's okay beacuse Ryan went up about 50 points on the hugging scale. Good times.
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Camp mode is really setting in now. I can tell that it is for Sage too because EVERYTHING REMINDS HIM OF ROWE!!! (Sorry if I spelled it wrong.) And usually it is all good when that happens because I get so excited, but I keep thinking about how much I am going to miss you all. I want to spend every waking hour with you before I go. Unfortunately that isn't really possible because I must prepare to go.
Things to do today:
1. Clean my room
2. Do Laundry
3. Get my camp list together
4. Lay out all my things for camp
5. Label camp clothes
6. Pick out audition music
7. Make songbook
8. make other book
And those are what I must do today. A big job but I usually find myself filled with excitement for the coming summer while doing it so it really doesn't bother me. It's gettting started that's really hard.
As every second of the day goes on, I keep thinking more and more about how much I love you all. It makes me feel so wonderful to know that I have you all for friends. I've never worried about missing friends when I went to camp before. I hope to see you most of you on Monday. Sage, you didn't say goodbye when you left last night and it was the last time I'd see you before I go.
I have to stop daydreaming and focus.
Anyway, those things will fill my day, but my night should be free. I really want to do something, so if anyone wants to, please give me a call.
Melissa's was so amazing today. I had so many different kinds of fun. I can honestly say that I had fun the entire time except once, and that was all right. Spencer and Elliot were very cool. I liked them.
Wow, I'm still really shaken up, I'll write more later.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
I AM FINISHED WITH FINALS!!!
That is nice. Really nice. And all in all, today really wasn't a bad day at all.
This morning I came in to study for chem. But I didn't want to start studying until the first final started. I saw Ryan and Melissa and they looked entertaining so I went over and asked to be entertained. They did a damn good job! We escorted Ryan to Spanish (who, by the way, needs to learn how to link arms like a man), and Melissa told me this awesome story about how she was Dining Attendant (sorry if that's a misnomer) at the Institute. Her and I went to the art room and played with paint and then we went to the library where I tried really hard to study for chem (nothing was sticking). There, Sheryl came over and she talked to us for a while, I introduced myself and it turned out I had met her the night of battle of the bands. I felt bad, I ALWAYS DO THAT. If I meet someone and don't see them again, I don't remember them. It really sucks because I feel so bad when they remember me. So she told us funny stories about her boyfriend and all was good (except chem). At ten we went to the clubhouse, which was empty and then proceeded to the cafeteria where we saw sage. We all went to the clubhouse and later Aaron showed up, and we decided on a password. Then Laura and Lin came. We all tried to study chem, I just couldn't get anything to stick. I eventually kind of gave up and proceeded to recite constants. As time went on, the clubhouse got really full, we attracted major attention. There were a lot of people in ther, good times. Genius kid (chemistry mike) came and stayed too. I like that kid, I can call him a jerk within five minutes of meeting him and he doesn't get mad. He also drinks good iced tea. I was getting really stressed and becoming unmyself (under major stress i revert to the shadow alison of last year). So to relieve some stress I ran outside without shoes on, there I saw Kate and sienna. I ran over and said hello, then I ran to the grass and rolled in the grass a little. It felt good.
So, let's go through the finals list.
English: 96 ---> Glad about that. Only problem with really liking English and caring deeply about your work is that you want to go see what you did wrong and that isn't really possible. A for the year though, that's nice.
Math: 80 ----> Don't even ask me how I got that grade, I honestly expected a D. It must have had a mad curve but WHO CARES!!! I got my A for the year.
Spanish: 89 ---> It turned out that with that final grade (i must have gravely miscalculated) that I had an 89.5 for the year. Which she made an A! She told me this whole story about herself too when she told me. I like it when teachers share personal things with you. Grosch is the coolest.
World Civ ---> Grades aren't up yet. I really hope I get that 82.
Chem ---> WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!?? I have no idea how ANYONE could have done well on that test! It was the most amazingly difficult thing I have ever seen. Geez, I am honestly praying that I get my 27. It'll be fun to see an F on my report card though.
So, my stress level doesn't come down all at once. I don't get sudden relief, since I've been freaking out for about two weeks, my whole frame of mind and well being completely screwed up. It'll probably take me the rest of the night for complete relief. But I am already much better.
So, people, call me tonight. BECAUSE I"M FREE! I'll be arouund, just chillin. See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Last night, I spent about the whole night on my world civ review packet. I meant to wake up early to study math but it ended up getting all screwed up and I didn't wake up until 6:30.
I studied on the way to school and before school, but it was too late. I got there and my head was swimming, I just... bombed. All I needed was a damn 74 and I couldn't even get that. I'm pretty sure that I didn't unless fate decides to have mercy. I'm so dissapointed in myself. If I get three B's for the year, m mom'll kill me, not to mention I'll be so mad at myself.
World Civ was annoyingly hard too. Maybe I didn't even get that 82, then I'd really be pissed. 4 Bs, oh god, that would be awful. But I'm getting somewhere in the neighborhood of 15-20 extra credit points on my final so hopefully that'll be enough
Graduation. If I hadn't had to do that, my life would be so much better, I might have an A in math and an A in world civ
I AM SO DAMN ANGRY
But at least Gabe and I made a good time of it, we got Stamps pretty mad when we climbed to the top of the stadium thingy though
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
This morning I woke up at 5:30, I wanted to eat a good breakfast before finals. So I got up and got dressed, it was nice to be relaxed getting ready. So I got ready, and made breakfast. My mom was all supportive this morning, that was nice. I studied vocab all the way to school and studied more vocab before the final.
The English final wasn't too bad. It didn't drain me like the midterm did. Maybe because I'm used to it now. I liked that he had us write a poem, that was nice. I did mine on A Streetcar Named Desire and Tuesdays with Morrie, that was really good. I have to read that book again. Mr. Lodewick kept making fun of me during the final. Geez, I only used six pieces of paper for both essays. People would bring up extra paper, and he'd be like, "Don't worry, I'm sure Alison can use this." And when I handed it in he was like, "I'm sorry, I don't have a heavy duty stapler." I love that guy. I'm going to miss him next year.
In between I was mad studying for Spanish. I was a Spanish machine. I need a 95 on that final. I think I did all right. Not sure about that 95 but oh well. We went up to Grosch's room before the final to study (Laura, Lin, Jeff, and I). But Grosch wasn't there, so we sat and studied on the little platform at the top of the stairs. It was fun, we called it our clubhouse. After the final, I went back there to discover that Jeff, Pete, and Laura were all there still and they had put a sign up on the window that said "The Clubhouse" with a moose on it. So we stayed there until the end of school (Lin showed up after checking her test about seven times). A good time. I kind of screwed up present subjunctive. Oh well, I say again.
I am not at my best right now. I am shifted back into a mode I have not been in for some time. I'm a little insecure and it's really pissing me off, I don't know why though, I just... am. I hope I get out of it soon. It is very frustrating though, because it makese me care a little bit more about what others think and that just sucks. I think it has to do with the stress. Things should lighten up when finals are over.
Math and World Civ tomorrow. Another half hour maybe and then I have to get studying.
So now, during my study break (YES, I STUDIED FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), I shall do what Kate did, although I doubt I’ll have the same feel good results. To get the A’s:
English (tentative): 78.92-91.26
World Civ(tentative): 82.98
Algebra: 74.06
Chemistry: 127.08 (Kind of Impossible, for the B: 27.08 – kind of a relief)
Spanish: 94.3 (oh lord, no more lazy marking periods)
So, there you are, some good, some scary, so to make myself feel better, I’ll give you the rest of my grades for the year:
PE: 100
H Acad Acc Math: 97.56
H Acad Acc Eng: 100
Madrigals: 97.51
AP Music Theory: 94.18
The worst is that the grades I need the highest for the finals, are my best subjects (besides chem), I just slacked off because they were, I hate myself sometimes.
Monday, June 09, 2003
I am very dissapointed in me for so many reasons. I feel like I've failed this entire year. I think very little of myself right now.
All right, I'm tryin out this new one, like I said, it doesn't feel like home, but I'll get used to it.
So I haven't had a good day. I'm in what I'd like to call, the "danger zone," there's a good poem called that that I read somewhere and it's kind of how I feel. I've been tired all day. Maybe that's part of it. I think I'm still on the bad that I've had since last week. It has its highs and lows but, I don't know, I'm being more superficial these days, caring what others think more, that isn't like me. I don't like how I'm acting but moreso, how I'm thinking. I guess I'll find a way out of it. But for now I guess I just have to think about finals. I'm glad that Melissa's having a party on Friday, it's just nice to have something to look forward to. And I'll be able to say goodbye to you all.
So, my day, I'll try to pick out mostly good things, that should be good for me.
1: I was not happy with my Of Mice and Men grade. I got a 95/100 for form but only a 90/100 for content. But I did get the courage to ask Mr. Lodewick where my content was lacking and he said he'd talk about it with me before or after the final so I'm glad about that. I also found out what happened with Valerie, a long story but I'm sorry I don't get to talk to her again before the year is over. Our presentation was okay, but I really liked my group, very nice people, all. We had, Sage, Kate, Mike Sweeney, Jen Tepple, and I.
2: I got to do anything I wanted this period. I chose to use it to rant about my beloved Jewel turning pop-princess. I showed Dennis and we sat and gagged together at the music video. Dennis is a very nice kid.
3: I didn't feel like doing Math in Math. I felt rather naseaus (still can't spell that). Emotional nase... It was bad, I really need to get to learning some math before I take the final on Wednesday. I ranted at Sage about how every night before I go to bed I feel emotionally sick and every morning when i wake up I feel the same kind of sick, regardless of how my day went the night before. Well, at least I got three problems done.
4: I walked around half the period. I saw Laura and Lin in the hallway and Laura bought me a muffin. I turned into a five year old for a while, it's okay, Laura was there to help. We saw Gabe and he gave me my little rainbow sash. It is utterly amazing! I love it. Thanks, gabe.
5: In Spanish things got rough, certain periods are tougher, in general, to deal with than others. I just wanted to sleep. Laura tried to sit next to me, that didn't work so well, but I appreciated her effort.
6: World civ was just fine. Becca D'orazio wrote me a silly not in which she asked me if Laura and Matt were still going out? It was quite a cute note, I enjoyed reading it. I finished my silly dragon and have to see how many points I get for it, probably 2. I talked to Matt and Jackie and Jackie and I discussed stories of how our family members think we are pregnant druggies. That was funny. I signed Marisa's pretty yearbook which was also called oracle (special prize to anyone who can tell me why it says "oracle" on the yearbook). Willimas yelled at me for talking several times. I honestly don't really care.
7: I got a 65 on my test. I really didn't think I did that badly, well, matt got a 75 on my version of the test. That makes me feel a little better. There was a fire drill during science and Laura took my hand as we left and aaron todd hooked his arm in mine, it was nice to be suddenly with two friends without even trying. However, outside, i did not want to skip around in a circle.
8: I read people's horoscopes, sage beat up my back. All in good fun.
Weird staying after stuff, apologies to sage.
Spanish and English tomorrow.
However plain and simple I may need this to be, it does not feel like home. I need to surround myself with the people that love me, the links are on their way.
Wow, in my last post, i did about the worst job of expressing myself, ever. My abilities are going downhill.
And now I must express my dissapointment, in possibly my favorite artist, Jewel Kilcher. An amazing songwriter and poet, she has beautiful insight into the world and her own style. However, now she has sold her soul to the new age pop culture world of money and nothing else. Her new song, Intuition is a disgraceful representation of her and the music video is even worse. Please check it out and see what this amazing person had done to herself. She's just one of the crowd now. And it's not even a good crowd to be in.
Jewel - Intuition
And if you haven't heard her and have nothing to compare it to. Go to the following link where you can see her amazingness of days gone by:
Jewel - Foolish Games
.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
I am up way too late for my own good. I hate it when the time flies by like this, but all is set up. Good for me, I did it by myself.
These colors please my eyes a lot more. I needed the simplicity. The blue is good. That's why i like this new version of blogger. No links for now, perhaps later.
